Top 10 Dirty Jokes
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(Sung to the tune from 'Beverly Hillbillies')
Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named John.
A poor Ex-Marine with a little fraction gone
It seems one night after getting with the wife
She lopped off his dong with the swipe of a knife.
Penis, that is.
Missed his nuts.
Well, the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side
And Lorena's in the car taking Willie for a ride
She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend
And tossed him out the window as she came around a bend
Curve, that is
Tossed the nub.
In the shrub.
She went to the cops and confessed to the attack
And they called out the hounds just to get his Weenie back
They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "over there!"
To John Wayne's henry that was waving in the air.
Found, that is
By a fence.
Now Peter and John couldn't stay apart too long
So a dick Doc said, "Hey I can fix that dong."
A needle and a thread is all we're gonna need
And the whole world waited 'til they heard that Johnny peed
Whizzed, that is
Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court
With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape
And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on tape
Video, that is
Ya'll sleep on your stomachs now, ya hear....
Seeking a raise
I,the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
- I do physical labour
- I work at great depths
- I work head first
- I do not get RDO's, weekends off or public holidays
- I work in a damp environment
- I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
- I work in high temperatures
- My work exposes me to contagious diseases
Response from People & Quality:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised,the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
- You do not work 8 hours straight
- You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
- You do not always follow the order of the management team
- You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
- You take a lot of non-rostered breaks
- You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
- You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
- You don't always observe OH&S measures, such as wearing the correct protective outfits
- You don't wait till pension age before retiring
- You don't like working double shifts
- You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work
- And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.
A Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange."
The second little boy says"Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks "Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says "Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK. Then I DEFINITELY shit my pants."
- The Doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes"
- The Dentist because he says, "Open Wide"
- The hairdresser because he says, "Do youwant it teased or blown"
- The Milkman because he says, "Do you wantit in front or in back?"
- The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."
- The Banker because he says, "If you take itout to soon, you'll lose interest."
- The Police Officer because hesays, "Spread 'em"
- The Mailman because he always delivershis package.
- The Pilot because he takes off fast andthen slows down.
- The Hunter because he always goes deep inthe bush, shoots twice.
A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had breasts bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are ... the dumber the person is."
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger members than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are ... the dumber the person is."
Again satisfied with his answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again.
He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
Once upon a time there lived a woman who had amaddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, " He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." Soshe made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.
Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang.He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, butit smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned theair around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage cooking.
Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a Happy Birthday!!!
Little Johnny asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom and she said yes. When he went to wipe his fanny, and there was no toilet paper so he used his hand.
When he got back to class, his Teacher asked, "What do you have in your hand?"
Little Johnny said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."
He was then sent to the principals office and the Principal asked him, "What do you have in your hand?"
So, Little Johnny said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."
He was sent home and his Mom asked him, "What do you have in your hand?"
Little Johnny said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."
He was then sent to his room and told to stay there till his Dad came home. His dad came home, went upstairs and said to Little Johnny, "What do you have in your hand?"
So again Little Johnny said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he get scared away."
Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, "Open your hand!"
Little Johnny opened his hand and said, "Look Dad you scared the shit out of him!"
Girls, ever have to utter one of these lines?
- I've smoked fatter joints than that.
- Ahhhh, it s cute.
- Why don't we just cuddle?
- You know they have surgery to fix that.
- Make it dance.
- Can I paint a smiley face on it?
- Wow, and your feet are so big.
- It ' s OK, we'll work around it.
- Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
- Oh no... a flash headache.
- (giggle and point)
- Can I be honest with you?
- How sweet, you brought incense.
- This explains your car.
- Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
- Why is God punishing me?
- At least this won't take long.
- I never saw one like that before.
- But it still works, right?
- It looks so unused.
- Maybe it looks better in natural light.
- Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
- Are you cold?
- Only if you get me real drunk first.
- Is that an optical illusion?
- What is that?
- It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
- Does it come with an air pump?
- So, this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
- I guess this makes me the early bird.
Did you hear about the gay guy who wears a nicotine patch on his penis?
He's down to about three butts a day!
A very good magician has hypnotised an entire audience. He has them under his complete control and they are willing do whatever he tells them to do. Unfortunately, at the vital moment, he trips over the microphone cord, lands on his ass and says "Shit!"