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Addressing A Superior Officer

Corporal Conroy needed to use a pay phone, but didn\'t have change for a dollar. He saw Private Duncan mopping the base\'s corridor floors, and asked him, \"Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?\"

Private Duncan replied, \"Sure.\"

The Corporal turned red. He said, \"That\'s no way to address a superior officer! Now let\'s try it again. Private, do you have change for a dollar?\"

Private Duncan replied, \"No, Sir!\"


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Tea Break

What do they call a coffee break at the Lipton Tea Company?


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Fix It

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. \"Ma’am, I’m not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy,\" he said.

\"Oh, I’ll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home,\" the Amish woman replied.

\"That’s fine. Another thing, ma’am. I don’t like the way that one rein loops across the horse’s back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. That’s cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!\"

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. Her husband asked, \"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?\"

\"He said the reflector is broken.\"

\"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?\"

\"I’m not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake...\"


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Plan For The Future

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?

He buys two cases of beer.


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How To Give A Pill

How To Give A Cat A Pill

  1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat\'s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens its mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
  2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
  3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
  4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
  5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
  6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head down with a ruler and rub cat\'s throat vigorously.
  7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
  8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
  9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans. Drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse\'s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
  10. Retrieve cat from neighbor\'s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
  11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss down another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
  12. Call fire department to retrieve the cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
  13. Tie the little bastard\'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
  14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
  15. Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

  1. Wrap it in bacon.
  2. Done.




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