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Dirty Religious Jokes

52 Dirty Religious Jokes
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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take asip."

So the next sunday he took the monsignor's advice. at the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

- sip the vodka, don't gulp

- there are 10 commandments, not 12

- there are 12 disciples, not 10

- Jesus was consecrated, not constipated

- Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not beat his ass

- we do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

- The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook

- when Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say "eat me."

- the Virgin Mary is not referred to as the "mary with the cherry"

- the recommended grace before a meal is not: "rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yea God."

- next sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's




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Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, the angel tellsFord,"Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention, the car, changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven."

So, Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with Adam,the first man." So, the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford.

When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of thewoman?" Adam says yes.

"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:

  1. There's too much front end protrusion.
  2. It chatters at high speeds.
  3. The rear end wobbles too much.
  4. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmm...", says Adam, "hold on."

So Adam goes to the celestial supercomputer, types in a fewkeystrokes, andwaits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it. He then says to Henry Ford, "It may be that my invention is flawed,but according to the celestial computer, more men are riding my inventionthan yours."


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A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours.The priest agrees.

The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot father". After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat.

The fisherman says "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!"

Priest: "Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?"

Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY) "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - a sonofabitch!"

Priest:"Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know." After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop.

Priest: "Eminence, look at this big sonofabitch!"

Bishop: "Please Father, mind your language, this is a house of God."

Priest: "No, you don't understand - that's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"

Bishop: "Hmmm. You know. I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner."

So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior at the convent.

Bishop: "Mother Superior could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?"

Mother Superior: "My lord, what language!"

Bishop:"No, Sister, that's what the fish is called - a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it.

Well, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it.

Priest: "I caught the sonofabitch!"

Bishop: "And I cleaned the sonofabitch!"

Mother Superior: And I cooked the sonofabitch!"

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you fuckers are all right".


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Two prositutes wee riding around town with a sign on top for their car which said, "TWO PROSTITUES.........$50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES."

They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said, "Well, that's a little different, it pertains to religion." So the two ladies took their sign down and took off.

The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he beguan to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER.......$50.00."


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A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. Thehippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nunsurprised by the question politely declines and gets off the at the nextstop. When the bus starts on its way the driver says to the hippie, "I cantell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you". The hippie saysthat he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesdayevening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. If youwent dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think youare god and you could command her to have sex with you.

The hippie decides this is a great idea, so on Tuesday he goes to thecemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nunshowed up, while she was in the middle of praying the hippie jumped out fromhiding and says. "I AM GOD" I have heard your prayers and I will answer themBUT ... first you must have sex with me.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity becauseshe is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way withthe nun. After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask andshouts "Ha, Ha, Ha! I'm the hippie!"

Then the nun jumps up and shouts "Ha, Ha, Ha, I'm the bus driver!!"


52 Dirty Religious Jokes
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