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667 Dirty Random Jokes
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A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks thedoctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"






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The Perfect Day for Her:
  • 8:15 Wakeup to hugs and kisses
  • 8:30 Weigh in 5lbs lighter than yesterday
  • 8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants 9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil 10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer
  • 10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb out
  • 12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
  • 12:45 Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained 30lbs
  • 1:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit
  • 3:00 Nap
  • 4:00 3 dozens roses delivered by florist, card is fromsecret admirer
  • 4:15 Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage
  • 5:30 Pick out outfit for dinner, prim before the mirror
  • 7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing
  • 10:00 Hot shower (alone)
  • 10:30 Make love
  • 11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
  • 11:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms
The Perfect Day for Him!
  • 6:00 Alarm
  • 6:15 Blowjob
  • 6:30 Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today
  • 7:00 Breakfast, Filet mignon and eggs, toast and coffee
  • 7:30 Limo arrives
  • 7:45 Stoli Bloody Mary enroute to airport
  • 8:15 DFW - Private G4 to Augusta, Georgia (Coffee, SI andWSJ)
  • 9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club
  • 9:45 Front nine at Augusta (2 under)
  • 11:45 Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens
  • 12:15 Blowjob
  • 12:30 Back nine Augusta (4 under)
  • 2:15 Limo back to airport (Bombay martini)
  • 2:30 Private G4, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap)
  • 3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female(topless) crew
  • 4:30 Land World Record light tackle Marlin (1249 lbs)
  • 5:00 G4 back to DFW, massage & hand job enroute by naked Kathy Ireland
  • 6:45 Shit, shower and shave
  • 7:00 Watch CNN newsflash: Clinton resigns, Hillary and Al Gore farm animal video released and authenticated.(Hillary has a secret mole, Al looks real cold)
  • 7:30 Dinner, Lobster appetizers, Dom Perigon (1963), 20 oz. New York Steak
  • 9:00 Remy Martin and Cuban Partagas cigar
  • 9:30 Sex with three women
  • 11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi
  • 11:45 Bed (alone)
  • 11:50 12 second, 4 note fart, dog leaves the room
  • 11:55 Sleep



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The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.

On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of thesix chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder,point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."

This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud manof a warrior people, and to show fear would beunthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.

Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadorsbreathed a sigh of relief.

The African ambassador was much impressed with thecouragous game, and thought hard about the subjectbefore the Russian Ambassador was due to visit hiscountry the next year.

When the visit came, the African ambassador treated theRussian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, theAfrican ambassador spoke "Now it is time for you tosample our game, African roulette". So saying, heled the Russian into the room, the only occupants ofwhich were six beautiful, naked women.

The African ambassador said "These women are themost beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any oneof them will give you a blowjob - take your pick".

The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, buthe couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette.He said "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part?Where's the danger?"

With a big grin on his face, the African ambassadoranswered:

"One of them's a cannibal"




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BAR ROOM CHAT TRANSLATIONS:

"You get this one, next round is on me." (We won't be here long enough to get another round.)

"I'll get this one, next one is on you." (Happy hour is about to end...now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they'll be 4.50 a pop.)

"Hey, where is that friend of yours?" (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)

"Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." [female] (I'm easy.)

"Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." [male] (I'm gay.)

"Ever try a body shot?" [male to female] (I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)

"Ever try a body shot?" [female to male] (If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?)

"I don't feel well, let's go home." [female] (You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)

"I don't feel well, let's go home." [male] (I'm horny.)

"Who's got the next round?" (I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)

"What do you have on tap?" (What's cheap?)

"Can I have a white Russian?" [male] (I'm really gay.)

"Can I have a white Russian?" [female] (I'm really easy.)

"That person looks really familiar." (Did I sleep withhim/her?)

"Can I just get a glass of water?" [female] (I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)

"Can I just get a glass of water?" [male] (I'm annoying, and cheap to boot.)

"I don't have my ID on me." [female] (I'm 19.)

"I don't have my ID on me." [male] (I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here.)

"Excuse Me." [male to male] (Get the fuck out of the way.)

"Excuse Me." [male to female] (I am going to grope you now.)

"Excuse Me." [female to male] (Don't even think about groping me, just get the fuck out of the way.)

"Excuse Me." [female to female] (Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho...Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.)


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Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school passed a 4th grade girl's house. One day he is carrying a football and stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says "See this football? Football is a boys game and girls can't have one!" The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football.

The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling "Nah na nah na nah".

The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. "See this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls can't have them!" Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boys bike.

Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his private parts, and says "You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can't go buy you one"

The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl "Well, what do you have to say NOW?" So she pulls up her dress, points to her private part and says "My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!




667 Dirty Random Jokes
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