Members of Congress...people of America.... I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy. Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary... I do. If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President.
So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every butt that entered the Oval Office.
Got it? Good.
Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time resident of some place called "Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into the White House. Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with. There was Carter before him who broughtyou a17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in. Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of 'plausible deniability,' and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent Orange.
And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for "beaver-wrestling" shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House.
Which brings me back to my point.
Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the pressdidn't seem to care about, evidently.
Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night-watchman. And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell 'Internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from.
I'm running a country here, and I'm doing it with my pecker showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter... unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where you are today and that kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where I'm parking the Presidential limousine.
The following song is sung to the tune of "Summer Lovin'" from the musical "Grease".
Bill: "Summer intern, had me a blast" Monica: "White house intern, happened so fast" Bill: "Met a girl, crazy for me" Monica: "Met the prez, down on my knees" Bill: "Summer days, sucking away, oh, I, love those summer nights"
Investigation Committee: "Oh Well, ah.. well, ah....well, ah..... UH.... Tell us more, tell us more" Linda Trip: "try to remember your best" Investigation Committee: "Tell us more, tell us more" Kenneth Star: "Did he come on your dress?"
Bill: "Wanted to screw her but she had a cramp" Monica: "The prez is sexy - and makes my panties damp" Bill: "She gave me head, right in the White House" Monica: "I said OK, just don't come in my mouth:
Investigation Committee: "Well, ah.. well, ah....well, ah. uh. Tell us more, tell us more"
Linda Trip: "he sounds like a swell guy" Investigation Committee: "Tell us more, tell us more" Kenneth Star: "Did he tell you to lie?"
Bill: "Press found out, it turned into a mess" Monica: "He gave me fifty bucks to buy a new dress" Bill: "She promised to lie, she made a vow" Monica: "Wonder who is servicing him now" Bill & Monica: "Sex filled dreams, ripped at the seams, But.........oh, Those White House Nights"
The following statement has been translated into ebonics.Good evening.(Yo Yo Yo, s'up?).This afternoon in this room, from this chair, I testified before theOfficeof Independent Counsel and the grand jury. (Today at my crib thesesuckersand playa-haters started grillin' a brotha).I answered their questions truthfully, including question about myprivatelife, questions no American citizen would ever want to answer. (Deystartedfrontin' about my game and asking all kinds of fowl sh-t). Still, Imusttake complete responsibility for all my actions, both public andprivate.And that is why I am speaking to you tonight. (I'm tired of thesehatersthrowing salt in my game. I'm going to let yall know my Mackin styletonight).As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about myrelationship with Monica Lewinsky. While my answers were legallyaccurate,I did not volunteer information.(Awhile back, you nosey motherfu-ers wanted to know if I was hittin'hoe-assMonica's skins. You ain't got no video, so if you want to believe a $10hoethen oh well).
Indeed, I did have a relationship with Ms. Levwinsky that was notappropriate. In fact, it was wrong. It constituted a critical lapse injudgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely andcompletely responsible.(Yeah, I was hittin' that dime dropping Bit-h! She was only sucking myjammie though. I was stupid for messing with a young big mouthed skank.My bad, but don't hate me because I'm a playa).But I told the grand jury today and I say to you now that at no time didIask anyone to lie, to hide or destroy evidence.(Outside of that hit I told punk-ass AG (Al Gore) to put on gay-assStar,Monica and her snitching friend, I was chill the whole time).
I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a desiretoprotect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct. (Check dis, Iheard she was down with what ever, you know a freak ass beiach. Shewasn'tall that but I planned to pimp her around to my boyz in the Senate).The independent counsel investigation moved on to my staff and friends,theninto my private life. And now the investigation itself is underinvestigation.(Those haters started sweatin' my homeys and my peeps. Dey pissed anuggaoff when they tried to make me look like I'm not real or somefin. Matter offact dey shady asses be on the take anyway).
This has gone on too long,cost too much and hurt too many innocent people.(Tryin' to hit me they wasted alot of Cheddar and pissed off my Crew).Nothing is more important to me personally. But it is private, and Iintendto reclaim my family life for my family. It's nobody's business butours.(I'm a pimp and playa and I'm going to be one, dey cant change a nugga! Getsome busness'. Hillary is chill because I got more than enough WhiteWaterdirt on her ass, that will get her sent up before I'm outtie).
It istimeto stop the pursuit of personal destruction and the prying into privatelifeand get on with our national life.(Get off my jock because I'm going to Flex regardless. Just in caseyallforgot until you chumps ax me I'm still the sh-t!) Now it is time - infact,it is past time - to move on.(F-k all yall, I don't give a f-k!, Peace out!!!)