BLOWJOB ETIQUETTE FOR MEN - kindly written by a woman
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is notstandard practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last Iheard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANTpuke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does Not mean that it's "hummer week" - get itthrough your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don'tfeel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sexright now.
9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high schoolgirls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with myMidol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don'ttell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediatelyafterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to berepeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculateabout the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happythat we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care aboutthe protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't getblow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate toeither sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I haveto "kiss it good morning".