Dirty Men Jokes

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit, he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this, she lets out a sigh.

The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife also.

The doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies:

"She choked."

Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if he could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross his legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too....

And, the NUMBER ONE thing men did when they woke up with a vagina...Finally find that damned spot.

Bob walks up to his best friend and tells him that he is having a major problem with his elbow. His friend tells him to go to the mall and there will be a fortune telling machine there. All you have to do is put five dollars in it and it will make noises and flash lights and tell you whats wrong.

So Bob gives it a shot. He goes to the mall inserts the money and it makes noises and lights start to flash. Then a urine cup pops out of it and, he goes and pisses in the cup. Then he dumps it in the machine. It coughs out a piece of paper, reading: you have tennis elbow, refrain from hard work and ice your elbow.

Well Bob is pretty amazed but he wonders if it can be fooled. So he puts another five dollars in it and it spits out a cup. Except this time he takes the cup home and puts in his wife's pussy juices, his dogs poop, tap water, his daughters piss, along with some cum from him.

The next day he goes to the mall and dumps the mixture in the machine. It coughs out a piece of paper, that reads: Your wife is cheating, get a divorce... Your dog has worms, get him vitamins... You have hard water, get a softner...ur daughter is pregnant, get her counseling.. And if you don't quit jacking off your tennis elbow will never get better.

This man and this woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists.

A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his penis out and wipes the tip off again. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"

The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The woman, now feeling badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?

The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."

Bob goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?" After a complete examination, the doctor tells him, "Well, the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing we can do for you unless you are willing to try an experimental treatment."

Bob asks sadly, "What is this treatment?" "Well," the doctor says, "what we should do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."

Bob thinks about it silently and says, "Well, the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it." A few weeks after the operation, Bob was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.

In the middle of dinner, he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being uncomfortable. To release the pressure, Bob unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprang from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll and returned to his pants.

His girlfriend was stunned at first and then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do that again?"

Bob replied,"Well I guess so, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass".