EmailAJoke.com - Jokes and funny pictures Telemarketer Prank Calls

Clean IT Jokes

25 Clean IT Jokes
Fast Nav.  
SENT: 943 times
E-mail To:
 A Friend
 Entire Address Book
 Clean Address Book
 Dirty Address Book




Why we should feel sorry for tech support people:

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."

Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at thesame time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."Customer: "What do you mean?"Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

Overheard in a computer shop:Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"

I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document backtothe sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.

Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"

I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that startsomething like this:Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"

Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to"TheInternet."

Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"Tech Support: "Yeah."Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."

Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon."Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows -- because of the icons -- I'maProtestant, and I don't believe in icons."Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don'tbelieve it was meant to --"Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe inicons."Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of afilecabinet...is 'little picture' OK?"Customer: [click]

Customer: "My computer crashed!"Tech Support: "It crashed?"Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."Customer: "No, it didn't crash -- it crashed."Tech Support: "Huh?"Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed myspaceship and now it doesn't work."Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"




SENT: 418 times
E-mail To:
 A Friend
 Entire Address Book
 Clean Address Book
 Dirty Address Book




Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. Wehave gone through every line of code in every program in every system.Wehave analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups andhistoricarchives, and modified all data to reflect the change.

We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y2K" date changemission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and alldatato reflect your new standards:

Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September,October, November, December

As well as:Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak

I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this "YtoK" problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a globalproblem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And whatdoesthe year 2000 have to do with it?

Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when thetwodigit year rolls over from 99 to 00?

We'll await your direction.


SENT: 710 times
E-mail To:
 A Friend
 Entire Address Book
 Clean Address Book
 Dirty Address Book




Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God...

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision.""Fine, but where should I go first?"

God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."

Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect.

Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"

"Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision.

"Hmm, I think I prefer Hell," he told God.

"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell.

When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.

Bill responded, his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful womenplaying in the water?"

God says, "That was the screen saver".


SENT: 496 times
E-mail To:
 A Friend
 Entire Address Book
 Clean Address Book
 Dirty Address Book




Dear Sirs,

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0, and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs, and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me?

Jonathan Powell

------------------------

Dear Mr. Powell,

This is a very common problem that men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to handle this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than they had with the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Alimony / Child Support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that may occur. The best course of action will be to push apologize button then reset button as soon as lockup occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.


SENT: 814 times
E-mail To:
 A Friend
 Entire Address Book
 Clean Address Book
 Dirty Address Book




CLINTON VIRUS Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.

VIAGRA VIRUS Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

LEWINSKY VIRUS Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did.

RONALD REAGAN VIRUS Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

MIKE TYSON VIRUS Quits after two bytes.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.

DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS Deletes all old files.

ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS Disks can no longer be inserted.

TITANIC VIRUS (A strain of the Lewinsky Virus) Your whole computer goes down (but I think "we go on").

DISNEY VIRUS Everything in your computer goes Goofy :}.

PROZAC VIRUS Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

JOEY BUTTAFUCO VIRUS Only attacks minor files.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL BE BAAAAACK.

LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.


25 Clean IT Jokes
Fast Nav.