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I'm Going To Whip You
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There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks named Rufus and Clarence.

They lived on opposite sides of the river and they hated each other. Every morning, just after sun-up, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other.

"Rufus!!" Clarence would shout.

"You better thank yor lucky stars I can't swim or I'd swim this river and whup your butt!!"

"Clarence!!!" Rufus would holler back.

"You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I can't swim or I'd swim this river and whup your skinny butt!!!"

This happened every morning for twenty years. One day the Army Corps of Engineers comes along and builds a bridge. Still, every morning, every day for another five years this yelling across the river goes on, evenwith the bridge.

Finally, Mrs.Rufus had had enough. "Rufus!" she squallers one day. "I can't take no more!! Everyday for 25 years you've been threatenin' to whup Clarence. Well, there's the bridge, have at it."

Rufus thought for a moment. Chewed his bottom lip for another moment. "Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place, "I'm gonna cross that there bridge and I'm gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"

He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up on to the bridge, walked about halfway over the bridge, looked up and turned tail and ran screaming back to the house, slammed the door, bolted the windows, grabbed the shotgun and dove, panting and gasping, under the bed.

"Rufus!" cried the misses.

"I thought you were gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"

"I was, woman, I was!!" he whispered.

"Rufus! cried the misses. "What in tarnation is the matter?"

"Well," muttered the terror-stricken Rufus," I went to the bridge and I stepped up on the bridge and walked halfway over the bridge. I looked up..."

"And?" asked Mrs. Rufus, breathless with suspense.

"And," continued Rufus, "I saw a sign that said "Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches" and he ain't never looked that big from the other side of the river!!!!"

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