A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take asip."
So the next sunday he took the monsignor's advice. at the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
- sip the vodka, don't gulp
- there are 10 commandments, not 12
- there are 12 disciples, not 10
- Jesus was consecrated, not constipated
- Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not beat his ass
- we do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
- The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook
- when Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say "eat me."
- the Virgin Mary is not referred to as the "mary with the cherry"
- the recommended grace before a meal is not: "rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yea God."
- next sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's