Funny New Dirty Jokes

Many years ago on a long transatlantic flight, an elderly lady asked if she could visit the cockpit.

When she got up there, she found four crewmen. She asked the first what he did, and he explained that he was the navigator and what his responsibilities were.

She turned to next one and asked what he did. He explained that he was the engineer and his job was to monitor and troubleshoot any system problems to keep the flight operating smoothly.

She turned to the next one and asked what he did. He explained that as the captain he was responsible for everything on the airplane and the functioning of the crew.

She turned to the first officer and asked "Well young man, what is your job?"

He replied "Ma'am, I am the captain's sexual adviser."

Somewhat shocked, she said "I beg your pardon, what do you mean by that?"

"Very simple ma'am. The captain has told me that when he wants my fucking advice, he'll ask me."

A real woman is a man's best friend.

She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...

No wait... Sorry.

I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that shit.

Never mind.

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was very nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his latex gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't", she replied.

"Well," he spoofed, 'there's a building here in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't even crack a smile.

Oh, well. At least I tried", he thought.

But about five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she suddenly burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked her.

"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.

"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant."

The boy thought for a moment... "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

You should actually do this every year. Even more often if you spend a lot of time on the computer. This was recommended by a writer in a tech journal.

I was surprised to see how well it works, and how far off mine was.

To re-calibrate your mouse, click and hold on the capital S below, then drag it toward the small g. If it doesn't work immediately, you might want to clean your mouse, as the calibration is off.

Shit!!! Shit! You'll believe anything

FEEL FREE TO RECOMMEND THIS TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS ONCE YOU SEE HOW MUCH SMOOTHER AND BETTER THE MOUSE WORKS AFTER BEING CALIBRATED. AMAZING!

Q: Why did Mitt Romney get nipple rings?

A: He heard that George W Bush had a Dick Cheney.

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles.

Who the hell runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?

In a crowded New York City at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time, attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's going to start."

This time she looked a little angry but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, get me another beer before it starts."

"That's it!", she bellowed. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave getting you beer after beer. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed and said, "Oh shit! It started."

Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his Bride-to-be is still a virgin.

His doctor says "Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit: a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint, and a shovel."

Mario asks "And what do I do with these things, doc?"

The doctor replies "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue."

"If she says 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen!', you hit her with the shovel."