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No, Those Aren't My Steroids...All of this steroid talk over the past year has been ridiculous. Sure, we all believe Barry Bonds is a juicer. Floyd Landis disgraced America by being the only winner ever stripped of his Tour de France crown for doping. Marion Jones couldn't run fast enough to dodge the rampant speculation about her connections to the Balco people. Those were all understandable. An athlete is going to do whatever's neccessary to reach peak conditioning with millions of dollars at stake. But what sort of sick world are we living in when Carrot Top could probably whip my ass due to his sudden increase in size? Joe Piscopo is in awe of this guy... Don't believe me? Check this out!  WTF? Yeah, I said the same thing! Come on now. I'm sure the Carrot Top put-downs were getting annoying to him, but to Hulk out like this - something snapped in there. At least he's built up enough confidence to walk around with mascara now. So there's a plus, I guess... In all seriousness, when is this going to stop? America has become the East Germans of 25 years ago when the running joke was that their women were hairy and all on some sort of performance enhancer. We've been in denial a long time about how bad this problem is, but one look at the new cross between Rocky Dennis and Rocky Balboa points out to me just how bad things have gotten and how far people will go. Come back to us, Carrot Top. We loved you... |
| The Origin Of Women |
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. He said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to takecare of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed". Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God said, "An arm and a leg." To which Adam replied, "What can I get for just a rib?" The rest is history. |
| Bar Room Chat Translations |
BAR ROOM CHAT TRANSLATIONS:"You get this one, next round is on me." (We won't be here long enough to get another round.) "I'll get this one, next one is on you." (Happy hour is about to end...now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they'll be 4.50 a pop.) "Hey, where is that friend of yours?" (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.) "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." [female] (I'm easy.) "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." [male] (I'm gay.) "Ever try a body shot?" [male to female] (I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.) "Ever try a body shot?" [female to male] (If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?) "I don't feel well, let's go home." [female] (You are paying more attention to your friends than me.) "I don't feel well, let's go home." [male] (I'm horny.) "Who's got the next round?" (I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.) "What do you have on tap?" (What's cheap?) "Can I have a white Russian?" [male] (I'm really gay.) "Can I have a white Russian?" [female] (I'm really easy.) "That person looks really familiar." (Did I sleep with him/her?) "Can I just get a glass of water?" [female] (I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.) "Can I just get a glass of water?" [male] (I'm annoying, and cheap to boot.) "I don't have my ID on me." [female] (I'm 19.) "I don't have my ID on me." [male] (I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here.) "Excuse Me." [male to male] (Get the fuck out of the way.) "Excuse Me." [male to female] (I am going to grope you now.) "Excuse Me." [female to male] (Don't even think about groping me, just get the fuck out of the way.) "Excuse Me." [female to female] (Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho...Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.) |
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