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Well That Was Something New...

Many of you are parents so it's not new to you. You'll understand exactly what I'm talking about, though.

Last night my wife and I went to our first Child Birth Education Class with the birth of our daughter coming up just around the corner. And lucky me -- we got to watch videos! And these weren't just any videos. No... These videos put to shame the horrific videos they used to show in Drivers Ed about the dangers of reckless driving.

If you used to watch Arrested Development (more on my favorite show next time), the picture of Tobias and Lindsey giving birth to Maeby was nothing compared to this! -->

Just about everything we saw was new to me. At the beginning of the class, I looked as lost and out-of-place as Paris Hilton at a Virgin Convention.

But then I started thumbing through our pamphlet and I saw that there's not a lot I really need to do. You know -- talk in a soothing voice, give a massage here and there, ask my wife if she's ok, etc.

Every so often the instructor would say something that would make my wife snicker and then stare at me as if I was in for trouble.

Then the video started

I'll spare those of you who have never seen it (and those that don't want to relive it) the details. But suffice it to say that by the end of that birth video, I think -- no wait, I know -- all the women in the room looked more scared than I did.

Hell, my job is easy...


Priests vs. Temptation

There were three young priests about to take their final vows. The last test that they had to pass was the celibacy test. For this, all three had to strip naked and tie a little bell around their penis. After this, a belly dancer entered the room and started slinking around the first priest...

"Ting-a-ling"

The chief priest said "Oh, Patrick, I'm disappointed. You've failed. Go and have a shower."

The belly dancer had stripped as far as her last veil for the second guy before the chief priest heard...

"Ting a ling"

"Joseph, I'm very disappointed. You can't resist the temptation of a woman. Go for a shower."

The belly dancer started dancing totally naked now around the last priest. She did everything erotic she could think of... but no bell rang!

"John, I'm delighted. You've passed! You can resist the temptation of women. Now, go relax and take a shower with Patrick and Joseph"

"Ting-a-ling"

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Computers Are Like Units
  • It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but hard to get any real work done.
  • If you don't apply protective measures, it can spread viruses.
  • It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses- and confuses- yours.
  • We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
  • If you're not careful, it can get you in big trouble.
  • Some people have it, some don't
  • People who have it would be devastated if it were cut off- and they think those who don't have it want it.
  • People who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy but think it's not worth the fuss made about it.
  • Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop.
  • Some people would play with it all day if they didn't have to work. Of course, some people do anyways!
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