• If you can start the day without caffeine,
• If you can get going without pep pills,
• If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
• If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
• If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
• If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
• If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
• If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
• If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,
• If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
• If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
• If you can conquer tension without medical help,
• If you can relax without liquor,
• If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
• If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion or politics,

Then, my friend, you are almost as good as your dog.

Hank finally found the nerve to tell his fiancee that he had to break off their engagement so that he could marry another woman.

"Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked.

"Not on her best day." Hank replied.

"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?" she asked.

"No, she's broke."

"Well then, is it sex?"

"Nope, nobody fucks me like you, babe."

"Then what is it? What can she do for you that I can't?"

"She can sue me for child support!"