Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.

"Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" "Well... not exactly. She's more into the trick dog aspect of it.

"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"

"Well...not exactly. I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next sunday he took the monsignor's advice. at the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

- sip the vodka, don't gulp

- there are 10 commandments, not 12

- there are 12 disciples, not 10

- Jesus was consecrated, not constipated

- Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not beat his ass

- we do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

- The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook

- when Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say "eat me."

- the Virgin Mary is not referred to as the "mary with the cherry"

- the recommended grace before a meal is not: "rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yea God."

- next sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's