A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. at the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

• sip the vodka, don't gulp
• there are 10 commandments, not 12
• there are 12 disciples, not 10
• Jesus was consecrated, not constipated
• Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not beat his ass
• we do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
• The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook
• when Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say "Eat me."
• the Virgin Mary is not referred to as the "Mary with the cherry"
• the recommended grace before a meal is not: "rub-a-dub-dub-, thanks for the grub, yea God."
• next sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's

From the law offices of Johnnie Cochrane, Esquire, here are the top ten proposed closing arguments in the matter of United States v. William J. Clinton:

10. If the dress aint a mess, he won't need to confess

9. The economy's great, let the White Boy skate

8. If the Bitch didn't spit, you must acquit

7. If she is not spread eagle, then it is not illegal

6. Lewinsky's a whore, and Bill's better than Gore

5. So he lied to the masses, he was just saving some asses

4. He cheats on his wife, but its his personal life

3. Bill can't tell the truth till he sees Ken Starr's proof

2. Bill is not sleazy, Lewinsky's just easy

And the number one closing argument by Johnny Cochrane:

1. If the sex is just oral, it is not really immoral